"The Night Before Bailmas"

'Twas the day before Chrsitmas, and throughout Freddie Mac
Not a mortgage was paying, not one was on track.
Lobbyists were hung by the Capitol with care,
In the hopes that Ben Bernanke soon would be there.

Executives were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of bailout checks danced in their heads.
And Charles with his bonus, and Mike with his cash,
Had just settled down for a big Christmas bash.

When on CNN there arose such a clatter,
They dropped their champagne to see what was the matter.
Away to the tickers they flew with a zip,
To call up their friends, and dish out stock tips.

Reflection from forehead on their rosy-red faces,
Gave the lustre of wealth in their once-dready places.
When what, to their wondering ears surely said,
An endless financial commitment from the Fed!

With a little old driver, both confident and swanky,
They knew in a moment it must be Ben Bernanke!
More rapid than eagles his edicts they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, commanding by name:

"More billions! Guarantees! No fees or interest!
Portfolio reduction, and uncapped blank checks!
Pass right over congress! No need for debate!
Now dash away! Dash away! Save U.S. real estate!"

As dollars that before the recession will fly,
When they meet with a credit crunch, pile up on high,
So up to the top of the market they flew:
The taxpayer money, and the Fed Chairman, too.

And then, in a twinkling, they heard on the news,
That Fannie and Freddie have nothing to lose.
But they sighed great relief when they looked up to spy
The chairman had arrived with a glint in his eye!

He was dressed in a suit, a thick beard 'round his chin,
And his clothes were all lined with new-mint Benjamins.
A bundle of cash he had flung on his knee,
Still warm from the presses, shipped straight from D.C.

His eyes--how they twinkled! his moustache how merry!
The suitcase was leather, the new bills were cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a grin,
And snow-colored hair was where black had once been.

The embers of finance he held tight in his paws,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like white jaws.
But he wasn't afraid of a fiscal meltdown,
For the lips on his face never met with a frown.

He was smiling and bright, right jolly and tall
Our friends laughed when they saw him, in spite of it all;
The strength of the dollar in the hands of the Fed
Soon gave them to know they had nothing to dread.

He spoke the last word, and went straight to his work,
And filled all their coffers, then turned with a jerk,
And laying a finger on the side of his head,
And giving a nod, he flew back to the Fed.

So Christmas came early for our friends here that night,
So grateful they were for the state's underwrite.
Chuck, Mike, and Bernanke, all shouted with glee:
"No need for financial responsibility!"

A Parody by Erik Fogg
Original, "The Night Before Christmas,"
by Clement Clarke Moore or Henry Livingston.

The Obama Administration's "Money for Everyone" Program

So Mr. Obama has shown that he is in favor of a great many government spendings. He is going to cut taxes for the middle class (when our gov't debt is already spiraling), but that's great, he's pro-middle-class. He's going to bolster education money, medicare, and state infrastructure development, as well as increase unemployment benefits--that's great, though, he's helping the poor and unemployed. In traditional New Deal Liberalism, the rich would pay for all this, and 80% of us would walk away happy, not thinking about whether what we had just pulled was highway robbery--we'd be too busy counting our free money.

But not this time. Mr. Obama does not discriminate--he is not anti-rich, like many of his predecessors, no. Mr. Obama is in favor of not only the current almost-$1Trillion bailout for gigantic finance companies, car companies, mortgage companies, and the like, but he wants more. So these big-businesses, which had far-from-optimal business plans, inefficiency, corrupt practices, and crappy products, are now getting big paychecks--large chunks of which are going to this year's bonsuses for the incompetent CEO's that run the places.

So if Obama's not targeting the rich with these taxes, who's getting targeted? Well, the rich are being targeted--but only some of them. The only people that are going to end up paying for this are those whose businesses are chugging along fine--the successful. It is those who were smart enough, tough enough, dedicated enough to keep from taking a crippling blow from the economy that will be punished. And for those who have suffered and are right on the edge of collapse, too bad--higher taxes, higher minimum wage, higher benefits required. Someone's got to pay for it, right?

But we have reached such a bone-headed age in our history that it is no longer the rich that are forced to pay for the poor, but the successful that are forced to pay for the failures, the clean that are forced to pay for the corrupt, the brilliant that are forced to pay for the incompetent. Success--not wealth--is the new dividing line between those that pay and those that receive. No longer does our society reward those that worked hard, that kept their noses clean, that had good ideas, that were clever--no, we punish them for their success with higher taxes, and we reward the foolish and the incompetent with bailouts, with tax breaks.

So now, we've got the stupidest incentive structure that I can think of. And here's the awesome part: when it all falls apart, we'll blame the Free Market, we'll blame Capitalism, we'll blame Greed, we'll blame Money, we'll blame the owners of those successful companies. We'll hail our politicians for saving us, hail them for punishing the owners of those companies, hail them for telling us that they are fixing things, but the evil capitalists keep breaking things. And we'll listen. And we'll vote for them.

The Draft, and the 13th Amendment

After arguing for a long time over the draft, I've come to the side that the draft is not only a civil rights disaster, but is probably unconstitutional. I cite Amendment 13 of the US Constitution:


"Amendment XIII

Section 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.
Section 2. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation. "

The "nor involuntary servitude... shall exist within the United States," seems a pretty damn clear violation of this amendment to me, unless you're one of those crazy feminists that think all men over 18 are definitionally rapists (thus allowing the draft under the punishment clause, in this case for being a man).

And there are still a whole lot of Vietnam Vets, drafted, that are missing legs, that suffer PTSD, that are otherwise miserable and traumatized. I have begun to wonder how they might fare in a class-action lawsuit against the United States of America on the grounds of forcible violation of their 13th amendment rights. In fact, I'm starting to wonder: why the hell haven't they sued the US yet? Or have they, and some court decided that "well, the draft really isn't involuntary servitude, it's more of an involuntary shipping you off to the jungle to get shot?" Any lawyers around, please comment--I'm very curious.